JacqieChan

jacqiechan @ 2009-12-17T18:24:00

2009-12-17T23:24:01Z

I'm sick to my stomach.

My birthday,which i HATE is coming up and i decided to do something on saturday.
It's the big 30
One of my friends who promised to come is bailing out last second i can see... because of my ex.
I broke down and cried. And i don't think it's because she bailed. It's because i didn't think the ex would do that. Actually a "friend" of hers directed me to her photography page and i felt so fucking proud of her i purchased a membership for her for the next year. To encourage her. One last gift before i leave. And now I get like kicked in the face again?
All I ever did was love her and go back to her time and time again when she kept changing her mind about us.
She was all i ever wanted. Ever. And she claimed she loved me too. But the more i find out who she is, the more i come to realize she never cared at all. i still never thought you could hurt someone who loved you so much, so bad.
And it makes me fucking sick to still love someone who thinks you're a pile of fucking shit that they can stomp on over and fucking over.
Cheating, lying, fucking me mins before saying they didn't want me....
oh but i didn't say i wanted to break up???
what the fuck DID you say then?
Where are my fucking shoes.... cause I'd rather them be burned then on your feet now.
and i turned down sleeping with her fucking friend,
i feel like a rage is shooting out of me and i can't control it
and a sadness that has been all to familiar and a part of my life on and off these last 3 years.
What the fuck am i worth to this woman?

The whole truth

2009-12-17T03:44:36Z

I am working really hard at being celebate. I have managed to stay this way so far.
It might sound cocky or arrogant... but it's not
My I don't give a fuck attitude for some strange reason makes girls gravitate towards me.
I even had to physically push a girl off me.
A sexual girl?
Doesn't seem a sexual.
Hahaha i thought i saw her car and i made this girl hide from it.
So fucking awkward.
I'm a little embarrassed.
Through the women I have been hanging out with I realized that moving IS the answer. This community is too small.
I found a place to live in vancouver.
I have told maybe 3 people.
I'm not going to tell any more.
I don't need the drama that stems from it.
I can't live in a memory anymore.
It hurts too fucking much.
I haven't been to the doctor about the cancer since september.
I have freaked myself out too much to go back.
What the fuck am i doing?

jacqiechan @ 2009-12-09T18:43:00

2009-12-09T23:43:42Z

turning 30. There was one point in my life i would have never believed i would make it to now.
I did.
To say it has been rough may be an understatement.
My life has been a challenge, and when i feel weak and beaten, i think back to when i really WAS weak and beaten.
All this pissing and moaning I do about my broken heart.
You know what?
She could never understand me anyways.
She never has nor ever will experiance suffering the way i have. And she couldn't handle it if she did.
She doesn't deserve me.
I really am the one person who could read through that messed up reality and figure her out. Who had been there no matter what for her.
She asked me once when i was driving her home why people treat her the specific way she had been treated...
1. They're bags of shit
2. she's never REAL with people

mostly with herself

Wake up

I'm leaving to get away from you, because i love you too much

jacqiechan @ 2009-12-02T22:12:00

2009-12-03T03:12:43Z

I sat in the shower and bawled my face off.
Reality is setting in.
My plans are in motion.
leaving my life is going to be so hard, but i have been preparing for it.
The gym
quitting smoking
telling people like it is no regrets
telling my boss i want a lay off
celibacy issues
I don't want to be touched like that
I feel like a whore
i know that I'm wanted.
There are a few
I don't want anything special from them
I'm scared to get too close
and i don't want to explain my life
they'll never know me
or understand where I've been
what I've come from
I read the missed connections religiously trying to see that others relate
and i wonder how many people there are like her
there's nobody like her
but how many people juggle the same person professing love and separation within the same sentence?
Has it really been over a year and a half of yo yoing me?
and i want to scream how much i hate her and hold her at the same tiem
this is why i need to go.
I would want to tear the arms off of every person i see touch her
and i want to throw up at the idea of never seeing her

Blake shelton

2009-11-30T19:51:01Z

If you're callin' 'bout the car I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I'm bowling
If you've got somethin' to sell, you're wastin' your time, I'm not
buyin'
If it's anybody else, wait for the tone,
You know what to do
And P.S. if this is Austin, I still love you

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-30T14:21:00

2009-11-30T19:21:50Z

I keep breathing you in and it affects me emotionally.
These women who kiss on me are absolutely beautiful and want me to give myself to them.
But I feel like I'm waiting for something to change in me first.
To feel some sort of desire.
I feel weird in this melancholy state.
I don't know if I hope to run into you or if I hope to avoid you.
I hope I don't see you when I'm with them.
And i hope you don't fucking tease me, just out of reach.
Because I can't handle it.

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-25T23:40:00

2009-11-26T04:40:17Z

I'm back from montreal.
I went to montreal and ottawa.
So far the winner is montreal.
my sister's apartment is up in jan? She says i can have it.
I think it's 500 a month?
I think I would wait until feb though so that means to find my own apartment.
This is everything.

Climbed up on the rainbow
Just to see if I'd fall off
I'm a frosted lemon coward
And I don't know how
No don't know to hold you
Without shaking
No I'm not aware of how
I could possibly love you
Without aching
Yes I give you everything
Yes I give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch myself
I've gotta love myself
And take care
And so keep the light on before
Ya hop into bed
Cos, baby, this is the last
Honest look I'll ever give
I saved up all my sunshine
Just to see you more clear
I'm a little short on solar
And I haven't given in
No I'm going to hold you anyway
And I'll do it without shaking
Yes I'll love you always
And I'll do it without aching
Yes I'd give you anything
Yes I'd give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch myself
I've gotta love myself
And take care
And so keep the light on before
Ya hop into bed
Cos, baby, this is the last
Honest look I'll ever give
I give you everything
I give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch my self
I've gotta love myself
And take care
Yeah
Gave you
I gave you
I gave you everything
So I've gotta watch myself
And love myself
And take care
This is your last look
This is your last look
This is your last look
Yeah this is your last look
This is your last look
This is your last look
And so keep the light on before
Ya hop into bed
Cos, baby, this is the last
Honest look I'll ever give

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-24T15:38:00

2009-11-24T20:38:19Z

hmmm you have been here. i see your ip in the history
Why do you come?
To see if i'm still hurting?
because you miss me?
is it too hard to let go?
Why?

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-23T22:52:00

2009-11-24T03:52:17Z

Dear life I once knew,

You have allowed many things to distract, hurt and abuse me in many ways.
I am done with you.
I am about to embark on a new one.
I am grateful for many lessons and adventure we have had, but I have grown to hate many things about you.
Around every corner there is a familiarity which has left its wound upon my body.
I need a makeover.
You grasp on to painful memories that devour the very air from my lungs I need to step forward. These last few weeks I have left you behind (with some exceptions) and stepped outside this world I was once accustomed to, and realized that I am worth much more then the credit allotted to me.
You are now a shadow that follows behind while I walk towards the sun.
I am tired of fighting you so the only move left is to leave you behind.
It's terrifying and makes me so sad that the only response is to throw up, but I will never beat you.
I wanted to compromise with you and work you but like the unmerciful authority you are, you just kick me while I'm down.

I loved you once and I love you sill but there's nothing left to keep me above water here

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-19T15:58:00

2009-11-19T20:58:35Z

looks like you're not the only one that's fucked, i am aswell

Why do i still want you?

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-18T20:09:00

2009-11-19T01:08:44Z

I leave friday

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-16T15:20:00

2009-11-16T20:20:40Z

i quit my job today

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-15T22:49:00

2009-11-16T03:49:07Z

Some feelings never change?

jacqiechan @ 2009-11-04T20:51:00

2009-11-05T01:51:59Z

I've been told.

i know.

I hope you choke, really

jacqiechan @ 2009-10-28T15:03:00

2009-10-28T19:10:57Z

I can breathe
I'm ok
because I tried everything I could
I wipe my hands with it knowing I will never have to deal with the regrets or the what ifs
Don't ever call me again
don't message me
don't even look at me
You made me feel like a dirty tramp by letting it unfold like that
but we already knew you were capable of that same scenario didn't we?
I'm glad you got off cause it would be a shame of you to treat someone like such a dirty pig and get nothing out of it
I don't need you
This was never about me needing you
I wanted to share my life with you
and you chased me
with your tears burning holes in your soul
promises that you think for the moment you don't want anymore
jokes on you tania
it's a matter of time before you flip flop yet again
how will you rationalize it this time?
because I don't trust you
i love you but that's as far as it now goes

jacqiechan @ 2009-10-26T16:53:00

2009-10-26T20:54:06Z

stop being stupid

jacqiechan @ 2009-10-19T21:13:00

2009-10-20T01:17:57Z

I have been slapped by the realization that I am below where I thought I would be.
You think |I'd be used to my status in life by now
I thought I was worth more.
I am a second to partying.
I wonder how long I'll wait here

jacqiechan @ 2009-09-09T21:52:00

2009-09-10T01:53:50Z

it's been eating at me.
i wish i never knew about him for sure.
now it makes me think everything else was right.
and more scared about what i am doing
what am i doing?
why aren't i ever enough?

jacqiechan @ 2009-08-27T23:46:00

2009-08-28T03:47:31Z

my boss almost fired me today,
for being an emotional train wreck?

i tried calling

what do i do?

jacqiechan @ 2009-08-25T17:55:00

2009-08-25T21:56:49Z

i should have never did that yesterday,

i should have known i couldn't handle it

i ended up puking

but i couldn't help myself

i needed it like air

jacqiechan @ 2009-08-22T13:19:00

2009-08-22T17:23:07Z

Something good has happened
i think i found my brother
my mom had a baby when she was a young teenager whom she had given up
all our information seems to match
age, name at birth, my mothers age
the adoption agency, place
hospital
plus he wrote that he thinks she was polish
and that the father didn't know

all of this is the same
i sent him an email with more information i have

the funny thing is he lives here in toronto

my biggest fear was finding him and him not liking me because i am gay

this guy is gay aswell

jacqiechan @ 2009-08-20T22:16:00

2009-08-21T02:18:11Z

i am back home
and have found out my mother was in intensive care
shes at home now with a nurse
she has something called c dif?
she says that people sometimes die from it
she bleeding heavily from her colon
if my mom dies i will lose my shit
i feel like i'm not even here
i don't know what to do

jacqiechan @ 2009-08-14T17:34:00

2009-08-15T00:35:04Z

my grandma died this morning

jacqiechan @ 2009-08-13T23:38:00

2009-08-14T06:46:45Z

I've been back to the hospital twice now.
I had to call my father and tell him his mother would most likely die within 48 hours.
He was drunk.
Sheila took his keys and it started world war three....
because somehow in his drunk ass brain he would make it to vancover island from ottawa in time....
he was screaming horrible horrible things such as "cunt" "slut" "bitch"
poor sheila....
i tried to calm him,
he kept hanging up on me
i wanted to tell him i didn't need 2 dead family members
fly dad
fly
it's like 6 hours by plane you cheap moronic fool
he trashed the house
and i played councilor
between visiting my dying grandmother
after the second visit to the hospital... an she only went in today
i snuck back in the hospital
mary (the sweetest nurse ever) said i could stay as long as i like
she would get me a cot if i needed
i chose to sit outside the door until my grandfather caught me there
another nurse giving my granmother pain medacine ratted me out
so my grandfather made me kiss her goodnight and walk back home
I haven't cried in front of them
i don't want to make things worse.
but right now i know where i want to be
cuddled in the warmest arms i know
and have a good cry
and not say anything
but i can't.

jacqiechan @ 2009-08-13T15:04:00

2009-08-13T22:08:12Z

I'm in comox

my grandmother has not gotten off the couch except with help from my grandfather to use the bathroom.
Today she blacked out and stopped breathing.
the paramedics and firefighters were really quick and wonderful.
i just got back from the hospital as per my grandfather's wishes to watch the dog.
I don't think my grandma liked the idea of me hanging out by the waiting room.
Shes concious now.

i feel so alone and scared and helpless