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[25 Nov 2009|11:40pm] |
I'm back from montreal.
I went to montreal and ottawa.
So far the winner is montreal.
my sister's apartment is up in jan? She says i can have it.
I think it's 500 a month?
I think I would wait until feb though so that means to find my own apartment.
This is everything.
Climbed up on the rainbow
Just to see if I'd fall off
I'm a frosted lemon coward
And I don't know how
No don't know to hold you
Without shaking
No I'm not aware of how
I could possibly love you
Without aching
Yes I give you everything
Yes I give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch myself
I've gotta love myself
And take care
And so keep the light on before
Ya hop into bed
Cos, baby, this is the last
Honest look I'll ever give
I saved up all my sunshine
Just to see you more clear
I'm a little short on solar
And I haven't given in
No I'm going to hold you anyway
And I'll do it without shaking
Yes I'll love you always
And I'll do it without aching
Yes I'd give you anything
Yes I'd give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch myself
I've gotta love myself
And take care
And so keep the light on before
Ya hop into bed
Cos, baby, this is the last
Honest look I'll ever give
I give you everything
I give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch my self
I've gotta love myself
And take care
Yeah
Gave you
I gave you
I gave you everything
So I've gotta watch myself
And love myself
And take care
This is your last look
This is your last look
This is your last look
Yeah this is your last look
This is your last look
This is your last look
And so keep the light on before
Ya hop into bed
Cos, baby, this is the last
Honest look I'll ever give
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[24 Nov 2009|03:38pm] |
hmmm you have been here. i see your ip in the history
Why do you come?
To see if i'm still hurting?
because you miss me?
is it too hard to let go?
Why?
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[23 Nov 2009|10:52pm] |
Dear life I once knew,
You have allowed many things to distract, hurt and abuse me in many ways.
I am done with you.
I am about to embark on a new one.
I am grateful for many lessons and adventure we have had, but I have grown to hate many things about you.
Around every corner there is a familiarity which has left its wound upon my body.
I need a makeover.
You grasp on to painful memories that devour the very air from my lungs I need to step forward. These last few weeks I have left you behind (with some exceptions) and stepped outside this world I was once accustomed to, and realized that I am worth much more then the credit allotted to me.
You are now a shadow that follows behind while I walk towards the sun.
I am tired of fighting you so the only move left is to leave you behind.
It's terrifying and makes me so sad that the only response is to throw up, but I will never beat you.
I wanted to compromise with you and work you but like the unmerciful authority you are, you just kick me while I'm down.
I loved you once and I love you sill but there's nothing left to keep me above water here
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[19 Nov 2009|03:58pm] |
looks like you're not the only one that's fucked, i am aswell
Why do i still want you?
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[18 Nov 2009|08:09pm] |
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I leave friday
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[16 Nov 2009|03:20pm] |
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i quit my job today
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[15 Nov 2009|10:49pm] |
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Some feelings never change?
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[04 Nov 2009|08:51pm] |
I've been told.
i know.
I hope you choke, really
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[28 Oct 2009|03:03pm] |
I can breathe
I'm ok
because I tried everything I could
I wipe my hands with it knowing I will never have to deal with the regrets or the what ifs
Don't ever call me again
don't message me
don't even look at me
You made me feel like a dirty tramp by letting it unfold like that
but we already knew you were capable of that same scenario didn't we?
I'm glad you got off cause it would be a shame of you to treat someone like such a dirty pig and get nothing out of it
I don't need you
This was never about me needing you
I wanted to share my life with you
and you chased me
with your tears burning holes in your soul
promises that you think for the moment you don't want anymore
jokes on you tania
it's a matter of time before you flip flop yet again
how will you rationalize it this time?
because I don't trust you
i love you but that's as far as it now goes
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[26 Oct 2009|04:53pm] |
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stop being stupid
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[19 Oct 2009|09:13pm] |
I have been slapped by the realization that I am below where I thought I would be.
You think |I'd be used to my status in life by now
I thought I was worth more.
I am a second to partying.
I wonder how long I'll wait here
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[09 Sep 2009|09:52pm] |
it's been eating at me.
i wish i never knew about him for sure.
now it makes me think everything else was right.
and more scared about what i am doing
what am i doing?
why aren't i ever enough?
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[27 Aug 2009|11:46pm] |
my boss almost fired me today,
for being an emotional train wreck?
i tried calling
what do i do?
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[25 Aug 2009|05:55pm] |
i should have never did that yesterday,
i should have known i couldn't handle it
i ended up puking
but i couldn't help myself
i needed it like air
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[22 Aug 2009|01:19pm] |
Something good has happened
i think i found my brother
my mom had a baby when she was a young teenager whom she had given up
all our information seems to match
age, name at birth, my mothers age
the adoption agency, place
hospital
plus he wrote that he thinks she was polish
and that the father didn't know
all of this is the same
i sent him an email with more information i have
the funny thing is he lives here in toronto
my biggest fear was finding him and him not liking me because i am gay
this guy is gay aswell
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[20 Aug 2009|10:16pm] |
i am back home
and have found out my mother was in intensive care
shes at home now with a nurse
she has something called c dif?
she says that people sometimes die from it
she bleeding heavily from her colon
if my mom dies i will lose my shit
i feel like i'm not even here
i don't know what to do
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[14 Aug 2009|05:34pm] |
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my grandma died this morning
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[13 Aug 2009|11:38pm] |
I've been back to the hospital twice now.
I had to call my father and tell him his mother would most likely die within 48 hours.
He was drunk.
Sheila took his keys and it started world war three....
because somehow in his drunk ass brain he would make it to vancover island from ottawa in time....
he was screaming horrible horrible things such as "cunt" "slut" "bitch"
poor sheila....
i tried to calm him,
he kept hanging up on me
i wanted to tell him i didn't need 2 dead family members
fly dad
fly
it's like 6 hours by plane you cheap moronic fool
he trashed the house
and i played councilor
between visiting my dying grandmother
after the second visit to the hospital... an she only went in today
i snuck back in the hospital
mary (the sweetest nurse ever) said i could stay as long as i like
she would get me a cot if i needed
i chose to sit outside the door until my grandfather caught me there
another nurse giving my granmother pain medacine ratted me out
so my grandfather made me kiss her goodnight and walk back home
I haven't cried in front of them
i don't want to make things worse.
but right now i know where i want to be
cuddled in the warmest arms i know
and have a good cry
and not say anything
but i can't.
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[13 Aug 2009|03:04pm] |
I'm in comox
my grandmother has not gotten off the couch except with help from my grandfather to use the bathroom.
Today she blacked out and stopped breathing.
the paramedics and firefighters were really quick and wonderful.
i just got back from the hospital as per my grandfather's wishes to watch the dog.
I don't think my grandma liked the idea of me hanging out by the waiting room.
Shes concious now.
i feel so alone and scared and helpless
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[11 Aug 2009|07:52pm] |
i did not get on the plane to spain.
tomorrow i am taking off to b.c. i don't want to be here anymore
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